Question: What is the most shocking yet not shocking, befuddling yet crystal clear, hilarious yet cripplingly tragic thing you’ve heard in the past month?
Answer: (most likely) With the 20th pick of the 2006 NBA draft, the New York Knicks select… Renaldo Balkman!
There is no person more likely to talk than Stephen A. Smith. He could be at the wedding of his best friend and. during the ring ceremony, shout out “YAO IS A PUNK! BRIAN CARDINAL CAN DUNK ON YAO! HE AIN’T NO DOG!” and feel fully justified. After all, it had to be said. This is why seeing Stephen A. sit next to Gregg Anthony and Jay Bilas, shocked and awed, as Dan Patrick prattled out an Irish eulogy for the Knicks spoke volumes. He eventually mustered an “ISAIAH KNOWS TALENT!” but that silence spoke volumes. Leave it to Isaiah. There is no other person in sports today that is as predictable while simultaneously being a powder keg of lunacy. Hats off.
Such was the draft this year. Few teams seemed confident in their picks. The Raptors joylessly took a man named Andrea with the first pick. Roy and Foye were swapped by two teams who could have drafted them on their own. Ainge traded away the 7th pick for the 3rd string point guard on the NBA’s worst team last year and then later traded for a PG that shoots like Michael Rappaport during MTV’s Rock & Jock B-Ball Challenge. Shelden Williams is happy to be with any team that pays him. Jordan drafted “the next Larry Bird” only so he could recreate those “off the backboard, through the window, under the vespa, up the storm drain, nothing but net” commercials. (that last one is made up but I’m convinced it will eventually be true)
There were some nice moves: the Grizz getting Gay and Swift (that was not intended to be funny), Ainge dumped LaFrentz and got some pieces to net Garnett/Iverson (yes, Ainge had a solid/questionable draft; remember that he is a two-sport athlete), and Chicago getting Thabo, Thomas and Carney which places them in the running for rings in the next few years.
Things we learned from this year’s draft:
– Adam Morrison is a diabetic crybaby.
-Stewart Scott now spits jargon regardless of context (he referred to one player’s father as “his baby’s daddy)
-Patrick O’Bryant would rather be making cheesecake than playing in the NBA.
-Isaiah is Isaiah is Isaiah.
Moment of the night:
Shortly after the Balkman pick, Spike Lee launches into the following routine:
– shout: “He’s a sleeper! He’s a sleeper”
– perform: complex finger-snapping routine
– collapse: with laughter
For those of you that left draft night disappointed (Suns/ Sonics/ Knickerbocker fans, Marcus Williams’ fence, garish suit-makers), remember that there’s always next year…