Archive for February 2007

conservative locker room fantasies

February 22, 2007


Michael Medvid has done a lot of thinking about showering with homosexual men (and obese women!) in the locker room. It’s good to know someone besides Fred Phelps has taken Hardaway’s side.


the jazz are an international brothel

February 22, 2007


Just when you thought looking at the Internet had run its course and was getting stale, you discover Mehmet Okur’s website!!!

Begin your journey with Mehmet by ” reading the story behind the surprise party for his new attractive wife Yeliz. Despite not mentioning how much he paid for her, the website is full of great stuff, including pictures of a woman who would stoop so low as to actually perform intercourse with Carlos Boozer. The Toronto Raptors might be “Free Darko, but the Utah Jazz are all Rebuilding Year. Enjoy!

masha wants what masha wants

February 22, 2007


Andrei Kirilenko reacted with shock and disbelief to an All-Star Weekend report on the Internet suggesting his wife, Masha, wants out of Utah.Don Ryan, Associated Press
The Jazz’s Jarron Collins, right, reaches in on Portland’s forward Zach Randolph.
“I want to tell you, that’s bull——,” Kirilenko said Tuesday night in Portland.
According to author and NBA analyst Charley Rosen, writing on the Web site: “Jazz-watchers are mystified by Kirilenko’s subpar play so far this season. Not only are all of his numbers down, but he’s complained loudly and in public about his not being involved in the offense. Here’s what’s really going on: AK’s wife is miserably unhappy living in Salt Lake City, and she’s been nagging him to find a way out of there. The only option they’ve come up with is to try to force a trade by being a malcontent. (Jazz owner) Larry Miller has been known to be impulsive, but so far (coach) Jerry Sloan has kept his boss from popping his cork. So far.”
“This is not true,” Kirilenko said before the Jazz’s game against the Trail Blazers. “It is, like, unbelievable lie. Because, first of all, we built house. Secondary, Masha is opening her clothing store. It’s not true at all.”
A clothing-line company run by Kirilenko’s wife, who is about eight months pregnant with the couple’s second child, is under construction now at the Gateway shopping center in downtown Salt Lake City.
“Masha likes Salt Lake,” Kirilenko said. “She probably doesn’t weather in the winter, but the people … we don’t have any problem with.”
Our bet is that Kirilenko asks for his free pass right away and makes Charley Rosen humble.

Virtual Cornrows: the Final Frontier

February 21, 2007

Ever seen anything more lovely than the digitally-rendered sculpted ‘do of Pat Riley? We didn’t think so.

A big thanks goes out to 2k Sports for giving the fans what they really want from a basketball video game: awesome hair. NBA 2K7 features the finest follicle facsimiles (do we sound like Life of Riley yet?) we’ve seen in a video game console program, which says plenty since we’re such hair buffs.

Take a look at this summary by ESPN Video Games if you need proof. Make sure to check out Yao’s crew. You could set a watch by that hair.

All-Stars, All-Schmars

February 20, 2007

We didn’t expect much from All-Star weekend. We never do. We usually forget what time it’s on, only to remember about halfway through the three-point contest, time enough to watch Jason Terry hoist up a few clangers. At that point, we take more of whatever that was in Trainspotting and write rude emails to John Hollinger.

After all, what else is there? No one is expecting much from All-Star weekend. Some cool dunks. Hot-dogging. Falling down after winning a footrace with a 76 year old man. Typical fare. We just wonder what would happen if we made the game really matter to these players. We don’t want to include something that will matter during the regular season like home court advantage in the finals. We’re aligned with the Tyrus Thomas school of thought on this. Give every guy on the winning team an Escalade. Or a diamond Rolex. Or some groupies. Something to inspire a little defense and less let’s-all-stand-around-while-Shaq-attempts-a-17-footer.

You know, John Hollinger needs to hear our idea. Give us a minute. Seriously, we’ll be right back.

Tim Hardaway is the most honest man in the world

February 16, 2007

Tim Hardaway hates gay people. He doesn’t like being around gay people and believes gayness shouldn’t be in the world or the United States. Well, at least that’s what he said.

Our ongoing “Gay in the NBA” coverage continues with the latest diatribe by Tim Hardaway. If it isn’t obvious already, we don’t share Tim Hardaway’s views on queer dudes playing basketball (or similar views we’re sure he holds regarding gays eating dinner, gayswaiting in line at the DMV, gays being fabulous, etc… We’re pretty sure he doesn’t like gays doing much of anything.) However, we do agree with John Amaechi’s take on Hardaway’s comments: “Finally, someone who is honest. It is ridiculous, absurb, petty, bigoted and shows a lack of empathy that is gargantuan and unfathomable. But it is honest. And it illustrates the problem better than any of the fuzzy language other people have used so far.”

So thanks, Tim Hardaway. Thanks for being sooutspoken about your hateful views. it helps give us a picture of why Amaechi might have waited until he left the game to come out. Hear that, LZ Granderson? Still feel Amaechi is a coward for waiting until retirement to come out, keeping in mind Tim Hardaway hates you too? We thought so.

In a related story, Hardaway also said “I hate RebuildingYear. I wouldn’t play on the same team as RebuildingYear. If RebuildingYear walked in the shower room while I was in there, I’d leave. Yeah, even if it still had shampoo in my hair. I hate RebuildingYear that much.”

Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?

February 15, 2007

They’re good enough. They’re smart enough. And, gosh darn it, they’re still the worst team in basketball.

That’s right. The Celtics finally won last night, beating the Redd-less Milwaukee Bucks and proving they remember what a win looks like. This was their first win in 40 days and what a long 40 days it’s been. To gain perspective on the length of the draught, let’s take a look at exactly how long 40 days is.

In 40 days, you could:

flood the Earth

not get laid

listen to a Lali Puna album

lose weight

gain weight

travel around the world (Oops, just missed that one.)

walk around

pray your team gets Greg Oden