Archive for the ‘Phoenix Suns’ category

Shaq’s Ass

February 15, 2008

Sports Illustrated’s time as the premier source for sports news has passed. While their print version is vastly superior to the New York Post of sporting magazines, the guys in Stanford have the digital scene locked up. This is the world in which we live.

That said, you can always cull one or two delectable tidbits from each issue. This week: Shaq’s biggest problem isn’t his age, his conditioning or his inability to dunk anymore- it’s his butt muscles. According to Phoenix medical staff, “He has a weakness in his gluteus muscles.” Stop giggling. I’m not kidding. And put that National Geographic down. You all have detention!

Seriously, can we really believe this? The Diesel’s derriere is what’s been causing his glacial pace this season? Are we sure it’s not from sitting on the bench all season?

I’ll believes is when I sees it.

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The Royal We

November 28, 2007

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– Something just feels wrong with Jalen Rose using the “we” to describe last year’s Phoenix Suns team.    I checked with my sources at NBA.com and he in fact did play for the Suns after being bought out by the Knicks.

– I’m not suggesting the Sonics bench Kevin Durant or that the superstar label placed upon him is even in question, but why aren’t people suggesting Durant could learn from the bench like they would when a top-rated rookie quarterback enters the NFL?

– The Western Conference seems to be playing out exactly as we (and most critics) expected.   The only difference between this year and last is the play of Chris Paul, Andre Kirilinko and Grant Hill.   And the play of AK47 and Grant might not really make an impact when it comes to whether their respective teams advancing a round further in the playoffs. 

– So far the Cavs look like the big winners out east.  They’re comfortably at least the third best team out East (We’re not on the Orlando bandwagon just yet) and have given no reason  for General Manager Danny Ferry to panic and sign Varejao to a long term deal or give up young players and cap space to trade for an overpaid Mike Bibby.  The season has unfolded exactly as they had hoped it would so far.

– If I’m Utah GM Kevin O’Connor, I start calling the LA Clippers and see what I need to give up to land Corey Maggette.  The Jazz need a reliable outside shooter in order to solidify their chances of making it out west and might have some young chips (Milsap, Brewer) to make a deal work.   

Yesterday’s News

November 8, 2007

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 The outlook was bleak. The Indiana All-Whites had a stranglehold on the Eastern Conference. All seems to be lost. What heroes could emerge to defeat the undefeated? To cripple the caucasians? To turn their homeland’s attention back to a shill good ‘ol boy and cars driving in circles? What ho! Goblin King Cassell and The Ogre Kaman approach in the distance! Today is a fine day indeed! (Clippers over Indiana, 104-89; Cassell lead with 35 pts and Kaman pulled down 22)

 Three Hawks hit the double-double and one who didn’t, rookie Al Horford, finished with 15 rebounds in a 105-96 win over the Suns. Horford should play more. The Suns are crazy thin in the middle. Salim Stoudamire just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance.

 Close one in Big Love City. LeBron finished with a triple-double but the Cavs left the floor two short in a 103-101 loss to the Jazz. And as a subtle “fuck you” to Mike Brown and Cleveland’s non-existent depth, Jerry Sloan played every man on his bench. While we can’t prove it was really to fuck with Mike Brown rather than to win the game, we’re pretty sure it at least entered his mind.

 Magic beat the Raptors 105-96.  All five starting Magicians finished with ten points or more behind Hedo Turkoglu’s 24 and 15. David Stern must have been a-titter as eight different countries were represented on the floor – nine if you agree Bo Outlaw is a sovereign nation.

 Celts over Nuggets. We’ll get to this one later.

Yesterday’s News

November 7, 2007

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 The Suns whipped the Bobcats 115-83. Eight Suns scored in double figures with Amare on the bench & rookie Jared “BC has a basketball team too” Dudley came off the bench and lead the ‘cats in points (16) and boards (11). And just like Madonna’s cover of American Pie, what we thought would be bad turned out even worse- Ray Felton injured his left knee and had to leave the game. We’re not sure it’s a huge loss (asked about his off-season conditioning program during a pregame interview, Felton said he watched video, watched a lot of video and watched more video, proving he’s prepared for a season of video-watching) but when you’re trying to plug a dyke, every finger counts.

 Knicks over Denver, 119-112. No one was punched. No one was called anyone a naughty name. Renaldo Balkman played defense like a dirty dog and the Nugs looked like a video game where only two players ever score, both to be expected for the rest of the season.

 LeBron was an assist short of the triple double in the Cavs 108-104 win over GSW but the real story is Boobie Gibson. He scored 22, including 5-9 from three point range, and his nickname boosted our site traffic by 15%. Thanks, Boobie Gibson. Good ‘ol Boobie. Our man, Titties Gibson.

 Hornets over Lakers 118-104: what gets the headline? Peja’s 10 3’s? Paul’s 21? Kobe’s 4 attempts to trip Andrew Bynum? We can’t decide.

 Oh yeah, and the Rockets beat the Spurs. Other than beating the Spurs, something all the experts say they should do anyway, the most remarkable part was Houston playing Mutombo and Yao at the same time. Must have been throwback night.